Legitimately Funny Beard Problems

You’re always eating your moustache or beard hair.

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Anything larger than a Tic Tac pretty much forces your beard hair into your furry face hole. Apples. Apples are the worst. Now we know why cowboys used to cut them with a pocket knife. Because moustaches don’t improve the taste of, well, anything. Cutlery dependant foods and mixed nuts now dominate your diet in public. You fear sandwiches and pray for bite-sized items every time you open a menu.  You have a renewed appreciation for sushi and trail mix. In private, you feed on pulled pork sandwiches and sloppy burgers like a slovenly gutter pig. Shhhhh. Just shh. We already know. We know.

You're constantly stressed out about stuff being in your beard.

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Yes, us bearded brothers live out the delicate dichotomy of looking like big, burly lumbersexuals on the one hand but then having to clean our whiskers like a pretty cat after every sip of lager on the other. Preeaow! It’s tough on your meowsculinity walking the twin paths of butchiness and cleanliness. And even then, you’re always asking your friends if there’s junk in your beard. You now deeply cherish kindly beard spotters and one of your primary concerns is getting access to enough napkins. You love drinks with straws. The only alternatives? Constant preening, frequent bathroom trips, or leaving your lip carpet sopping wet after every sip or bite, in which case, you will surely die alone.

You secretly fear you will surely die alone.

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Now, while some women go crazy for a nice bit of beard, many just can’t handle an aggressive avalanche of face fur. Why? For starters, women mistrust what you look like under your lovable face puppy. This is the equivalent of “morning face” for men. Gents, you know when you meet a girl and she is wearing way too much makeup. And you’re not sure if she got carried away with the foundation or if there is a darker secret lurking beneath that painted facade. And sometimes you only find out, hungover, the next morning? That’s morning face (aka mourning face, due to the grieving process over last night's choices). Well, it goes both ways, sir. Women are a little worried that if they end up dating a dude with a beard, they might end up with a chinless, bucktoothed, mole rat when he shaves three months from now. In short, she’s worried that after hunkering down with a winter mate, she’ll be stuck with a man she doesn’t find attractive come spring. Can’t blame her. For all she knows you have mandibles under there. Or a baby face… sewn to your actual face. I’ve had to lift my moustache just to show proof of mouth on more than one occasion. Which is kind of like turning over a starfish and looking into its under hole. It doesn’t not feel like a violation. So, having some “no beard” pics at the ready is a thing bearded humans understand. And to all you beardos who are empirically less attractive without a beard: gather ye rosebuds while ye may, you poor b*stards.

People falsely assume your beard is dirty.

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And not like you had ribs for lunch dirty. Like really, really dirty. Think sewage waste. The blame here lies with a convincing article that was travelling the webtersphere a few months back. It “proved” “scientifically” that beards are replete with feces. Given the beard trend, everyone read and shared the Beyoncé out of it. But that article was (wait for it) totally full of sh*t. Still doesn’t stop beard haters from dragging out the old “there is poo in your face fuzz” argument every time they want to beardshame you. Chin up, beardos. It’s completely baseless. The truth is EVERYTHING has the same amount of poop on it! Get yourself a black light and see for yourself. Wait. No, don’t. You’ll just tempt the fates and potentially end up going Howard Hughes. But if you’re clean then your beard is clean. And don’t let anyone tell you different. Fideles Est In Barba!! Which Google translate tells me is something really empowering about beards.

Strangers touch your face.

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I'll say that again: strangers touch your face! Like a caged animal in a petting zoo or a pregnant lady, people seem totally okay with laying their hands on you. Strange humans jumping right into your man drapes like they picked them out and put them up themselves is commonplace. You have relinquished your humanity. Decent people typically ask first and then you get to decide if they get an all access pass to your magical face forest. But I’ve straight up had to tell people, on more than one occasion, that touching a stranger’s beard or face is a big f*cking no-no. To be fair, this happens far more frequently around drunk people. And has no doubt increased violent crime in most major cities. Also, if you have a very big beard, when someone is looking at you, it’s tough to ascertain if they’re impressed or disgusted. Unless they smile coyly. In which case they may think you’re awesome. But not if they laugh. With their friends. Immediately after they look at you. Maybe they’re just impressed though? Or just impressed at how disgusted they are with you? You can’t always tell. Which typically makes you want to ask someone if there is junk in your beard.

Full circle. The struggle is real.