Jacks Campaign HQ.jpeg
Campaign headquarters at the Jack's in Dora
Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.
After "getting a good look" at the two major candidates in the upcoming presidential election, the old men who frequent a local Jack's restaurant announced they see no other option than to run for President themselves.
Unsure of how to file candidacy paperwork, and refusing to ask anyone where this paperwork can even be located, the elderly gentlemen declared their candidacy in between sips of their discounted coffee Friday morning. George Swindle, a loyal patron of the Jack's location in Dora, told reporters he believes America is ready for 10 to 15 grumpy old men to serve as President.
"I don't know how it'll work exactly," said Swindle. "I reckon we could take turns. I just wouldn't leave Jimmy alone on hoot owl shift. He's crazy enough in broad daylight."
Swindle admits they still haven't worked out all of the details, but they are more qualified than any of the candidates already running for office.
"You don't have to worry about anybody here deleting classified emails," stated Swindle. "We're not even sure what an email is. Half of us don't throw away our regular mail."
While they don't have the business experience of Donald Trump, some of the Jack's regulars are successful entrepreneurs.
"Larry owns the feed n' seed off County Line Road," said Swindle. "It ain't no Trump Resort but he'll let you sleep on a pallet of potting soil for $5 a night. Best hotel in Walker County."
While no one in the crowd of elderly men has a background in law, sources have hinted that the group will tap Harvard graduate Ben Matlock, a criminal defense attorney from Georgia, as their vice presidential candidate.
Despite their well-thought-out plans, the group is expected to face stiff competition in November from a much smaller delegation that meets regularly at the Hardee's location across the highway. While they have not yet announced their intention to run, a spokesperson for the group said they would do everything within their power to stop the Jack's group from attaining the highest office in the land.
"I bet they seem alright today, but you should have seen them during the Blue Bell recall last year," stated Earl Hayes, who was exiled from the group in 2008 for his progressive stance on the designated hitter and women wearing pants to church. "They didn't want it off the shelves. They claimed the listeria was good for you and that they used to eat it by the handful walking uphill both ways to school."
Even without the full support of the elderly breakfast community, Swindle says they will answer the call to lead.
"Just don't have them call us on this dang cell phone," added Swindle, clutching a cordless house phone. "I can't hear a blasted thing on this."
"You ain't running for President, George," interrupted Swindle's wife Nancy from a nearby table. "The only place you're running is to your Cardiologist appointment at 10:00."
At press time, the presidential campaign of the Jack's breakfast crowd had been indefinitely suspended, but the group plans to meet at Jack's again tomorrow morning where they will repeat this same discussion every day until football season.
[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]