Twenty-two years after its release, Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill remains one of the defining albums of the 1990s. Reports now suggest that a musical inspired by the record is finally on its way to Broadway. The “book” (story bit) is being put together by Diablo “Juno” Cody but it seems unlikely that an Oscar-winning screenwriter can bring Jagged Little Pill to theatrical life with the tact, passion and sensitivity it really deserves. So we thought we would give it a go.
Our musical is called A Love Affair Never is Simple, which is, you’ll be pleased to note, a little bit mnemonic.
Curtain up!
We open on the musical’s protagonist, Mary Jane. Offering the audience its first glimpse of the Jagged Little Pill songbook, Mary Jane sings a reworked version of All I Really Want. She breaks the fourth wall when she sings to the audience (“Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute … Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while”) before using the song to introduce the musical’s main storyline: “What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate, someone else to catch this drift.” Jagged Little Pill touched on various complex and intense themes but for the sake of flogging tickets on Broadway our story is just about a lonely, cash-strapped person looking for love. During All I Really Want, the line “I’m like Estella, I like to reel it in and then spit it out” is changed so as to no longer reference Great Expectations. “I like Estrella, I like to drink it and not spit it out” has been factored in as part of a complex endorsement deal with a beer brand.
Here comes the sassy best friend
The doorbell rings! It’s Mary Jane’s best mate Chardonnay who tries to cheer her friend up by belting out a stream of life tips, wake-up calls and trite, homespun wisdom to the tune of You Learn. Sadly, as Chardonnay draws breath in anticipation of the song’s big vocal crescendo, she swallows a black fly, chokes and – while Mary Jane continues to wait for an already-late ambulance that’s now stuck in a traffic jam – dies.
Enter love interest, stage left
The ambulance eventually arrives and with it comes a handsome man; not the doctor, but the driver, called Hans. Naturally, because this is a musical and we really need to move things along quickly, Mary Jane falls head over feet in love. The pair embark on a whirlwind romance and it even looks like Mary Jane’s money woes will be over when Hans wins the lottery, but within 24 hours he is dead; attacked by an intruder while cooking, his attempts to defend himself with kitchen implements are impeded when he is only able to lay his hands on spoons.
The funeral
Sadly for Mary Jane the drama is not over yet. As Hans’s coffin is lowered into the ground and Mary Jane says goodbye to the man of her dreams she meets … his beautiful wife. (The wife happens to be Catholic for reasons pertaining to still-to-be-crowbarred-in song references.) Mary Jane goes berserk, jumping on to the coffin and thundering on the lid while screaming a furious version of You Oughta Know. As she sings it right through, you know she’s in pain. In search of closure – and as a reminder of the mess he left when he went away – Mary Jane chooses to wear a picture of Hans around her neck. But that closure doesn’t come easy due to a late arrival at the funeral. It’s Hans’s identical twin brother. He’s also called Hans. Is this Mary Jane’s second chance at love?
The wedding
Yes it is. For the musical’s euphoric final scene we find ourselves at the wedding of Mary Jane and the second Hans, where they’re joined by Hans 1’s widow (she’s forgiven Mary Jane; you know how those Catholic girls can be) plus Chardonnay’s ghost, who booked a wedding singer to sing a song about rain on this wedding day, only to discover that a meteorological glitch has confounded forecasts resulting in bright sunshine, thus rendering the singer’s choice of song ironic, as well as Ironic, although only ironic in the same way that the ironies in Ironic are ironically not ironic. Mary Jane and her new husband celebrate, meaning that while Mary Jane has still got one Hans in her locket, the other one is giving her a high five.
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