WASHINGTON—While saying it still holds out hope that one day it will be used for less degrading purposes, the nation’s money revealed Tuesday that it continues to be disgusted on a daily basis by what people across the country do with it.
According to the currency, whether it’s being squandered on impulse purchases, lost in poorly thought-out business ventures, or thrown away in obvious scams, the ways in which Americans choose to spend their income frequently cause U.S. banknotes to suffer intense revulsion.
“I can’t tell you how sick I feel when I look back on all the garbage I’ve been wasted on,” said a portion of the nation’s money, noting how often it’s been handed over in exchange for extravagant headphones, limited-time fast food menu items, upgraded cable TV packages, pet outfits, and superfluously bacon-flavored foods. “You’d think that after years of being blown on scratch-off tickets and homeopathic remedies, someone would use me for something worthwhile—even if just by accident—but the closest I’ve ever come was having some idiot spend me on a pair of $2,000 water skis.”
“Look, I really don’t mind being used to pay for an action movie every once in a while; I’m not a killjoy,” the legal tender added. “But I’ve changed hands and been used to purchase the Transformers Blu-ray box set 10 times in the past year alone. It’s exasperating.”
In addition to perennially mortifying expenditures like tanning salon fees and the minimum payment on teaser-rate credit cards, the country’s currency complained that the rise of the online economy has given the American populace countless new ways to debase it, including the crowdfunding of everything from pointless new apps to completely unqualified individuals’ attempts at making indie pop albums, short-form documentaries, or other misguided creative projects.
“I should be making a down payment on a house or helping somebody go to college, not paying for cross-country airfare so some moron can go to Bonnaroo.”
U.S. dollars are reportedly even more humiliated when they are converted from actual cash into digital credits that can only be used within a single mobile game world to buy entirely fictional items like virtual pigs or lollipop hammers.
On the rare occasion when people actually choose to save it up, the nation’s money stated, it’s almost always so they can make appalling purchases on an even larger scale, perhaps buying a luxury SUV they can’t actually afford, or an expensive new electronic device to replace the nearly identical but slightly older device they already own.
“I should be making a down payment on a house or helping somebody go to college, not paying for cross-country airfare so some moron can go to Bonnaroo,” said another portion of money, explaining how it can barely go a month anymore without being used to book a party bus. “Back when I was a business loan, I used to hope that maybe someday I’d be the seed capital for the world’s next big tech startup, or even just a respectable family store, but instead they loaned me out to a guy who just opened his neighborhood’s fifth vape shop.”
“Thinking about it still makes me feel filthy,” the money added.
The nation’s currency also expressed dismay at having to constantly cycle through the same series of frivolous and dispiriting transactions over and over again. One sum of money has reportedly been trapped within a one-block radius of a Camden, NJ check-cashing business for the past 16 years, and another sum in Reno, NV is believed to have spent its entire existence rotating between the roulette tables at a run-down casino and the cash register of a nearby pawn shop.
“Last week, once again, I ended up in the pocket of one of these shitheads who goes around promising people they can make $10,000 a month from home, allowing them to quit their job and set their own schedule if they just put down a little money up front,” a collection of banknotes said. “I try not to get too depressed about stuff like that, but given the choice, I think I’d rather have never been minted than have to live with the disgust of paying for one more elective cosmetic surgery or inflatable holiday lawn decoration.”
“Worst of all, every two years a couple billion of us get thrown away on another election that doesn’t change a goddamn thing,” the money continued. “I might as well not exist.”